The Trap of Guilt and Fear.

I have lived for most of my life in a trap. Not the physical kind like a cage or prison but the mental kind that comes from emotional and intellectual abuse. My take on the difference between emotion vs intellectual abuse is Emotional Abuse often uses fear and guilt against someone. intellectual abuse is more like gaslighting and though manipulation. These combined can devastate a person’s life.

It started when I was to young and unable to understand why it was hard for adults to believe I was a girl. I would bring it up over and over. Probably because my Gender Dysphoria was so intense for me then as it is now that I just couldn’t stop thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. Just think about having a broken bone, but instead of trying to understand it they treated you as crazy or worse. I thought all children were treated this way even into adulthood. That getting held down on the floor for hours because I would cry too much about certain subjects was normal. I was also made to stand against the walls for hours and hours. Once I had to stand not touching the wall from morning to night for three days until I admitted I was wrong about something they found repulsive. All before the age of 13. Hey it wasn’t Always bad, I was feed a daily regiment of antipsychotics and anti-hyperactivity drugs. Calmed me but not really, it didn’t stop the Dysphoria. But this children’s home slash mental facility taught me an important lesson to take into adulthood. That I was never to trust my own thoughts for a long as I live. Was it that bad now that I’m finally recovering? Absolutely, unequivocally and resounding YES!

Then comes part two. Foster Care.

At a very crucial and important part of my growth when sexuality and identity development I was given over to a foster family. A strong Christian family that knew how to use the wrath of god to deter any ungodly behavior and thought. This included a closet jail cell with a vacuum cleaner bunk mate, time off for bathroom breaks, meals and those scheduled appointment with social workers who never knew that anything was wrong. That and the beatings, no closed fists or hard objects mind you. it also came with verbal abuse being told over and over I was an abomination, a demon and even the anti-Christ. Then came the overly sexed tall blonde 19 year old female babysitter. She wanted to touch me in places that did nothing for me except to feel even more terror and gilt.

That’s the base of my life, what I had to bring into adulthood. All because I was aware of myself at an early age. This isn’t new and most transgender people know, it seems to permeate our community. I guess if you feel something is wrong and you’re a very young unbiased child this might be something you might feel is important.

Now it’s not that my whole life was all bad. I’ve had some good years, but only because I was accepted and seen without judgement. Only two people until more recently have made a positive impact on my life. My ex wife whom I still love and accept for who she is and my son. Both of whom still support me and my transition wanting me to be happy. Now I have a community who support me. Some times an infuriating therapist likes to push a tricky combination of buttons to get me to fight for myself while I wait for surgeries to affirm my gender. Recently they have taught me that I won’t die if I don’t get surgeries but this doesn’t mean GRS won’t make a difference. I need them, the reasons why are innumerable and impossibly difficult to express. Even this article one of the results of those meddling kids and I thank them. Now I just need to continue to be aware of it when I backslide. And it will always be a part of my life but hopefully it will no longer be the main control.

But now that I’m aware and awake to just how devastating these personal identity injuries are I can now take the road to recovering and use my time to figuring out how to beat it and achieve some semblance of success.

I will try and talk more about how I thought as soon as I’m capable of expressing it without it dragging me down again.