Safety Ledge

There has never been a cure or treatment for transgenderism and there will hopefully never will be one.

I of course am a client of treatment. It’s not a cure and it’s not going to change my mind, well not much anyway. What it will do is let my mind ease into a viable and reasonable facsimile of the physical person I can be. With a lot of limitations. Like I may never pass to everyone but I can pass for others. Maybe a significant other. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Having gender dysphoria is not an obsession. It’s your mind following a preprogrammed set of commands in the wrong vehicle. Not a bad vehicle just not the right one. I was attracted to everything little girls liked. When I was 7 I walked around on my toes like I was wearing high heels. I continued that almost until I was 17. Everything any woman might like that sways the eye and give us the feeling of being beautiful or special did this for me. Then of course came the guilt, shame, wishes and prayers. I would pray every night to wake up in my own body.

How I survived was a day to day question of how can I distract myself from thinking about it. So I tried everything I could try. Much of that in my travels with my partner. We did everything we could think of doing. Nude hot springs to bicycling the west coast. We traveled and lived in Europe and we did art and music to pay for most of it. I say most because we did on a couple of occasions needed the help of family. We certainly weren’t perfect planner economically but those where rare and yeah a pain.

All in all my time with my partner was the best of times trying to ignore the internal self struggle. And this did effect our relationship. She always knew I was transgender, that was impossible for me to hide from someone close to me. It was hard to hide at jobs, groups, bands and anyone knowing me for more than a month or two. I wanted to talk about what interested me. Big mistake… “Please clear out your locker/desk/gear. We’re sorry but other workers are uncomfortable around you so you’ll have to leave. Thank You and pick up your check now/next week/in the mail..” Having a partner who could keep a job helped. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes, very much so. She also made it easier to get an apartment and keep it. I’ve had a couple of apartments that I didn’t have any problems with and a couple who also figured out I was a bit odd and gave me the “other tenants are uncomfortable” speech. I never really put up much resistance.

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